The Blue Catapillar

The dragon appears and the scales swarmed my dashboard. It almost seemed as though the night would consume me but reality was still there and nothing seemed to be wrong. What was going through my head was not normal and I didn't know what I was saying. I'm listening to myself through another man's ears and I knew that it would sound really weird because it was like I was trying to say that things were normal, but it wasn't. Now that I reflect back on that night, I realized that indeed the blue catapillar had come to help me dream. Perhaps the breath was not as deep as it needed to be and perhaps I could dream bigger if I breathe more deeply and less scared. I want to dream so that I can paint colorful paintings, but I don't want to ruin my own dreams. Nightmares are what scare me and I don't want to dream alone.

My First Balancing Act: Coping

One week ago tomorrow, I will have watched most of my friends walk down the steps of the "Greek" here at PLNU. Marching to their victorious seats awaiting the call of their name as they shake hands and receive an empty green diploma holder and listening to the crowds scream their name.

I stood at the top, wishing. Wishing that I was graduating. i don't even know what happened, I don't know where those credits went missing, I don't know how I could have created such a predicament for myself. I should have walked last week, I should have been cheered for, I should have been taking pictures in a cap and gown. But instead, I sobbed as i watched those who came in with me, leave without me. Each of them, able to move on with their lives, excited to face the real world, and me? Employed by marketing because I am still a student and can work.

I know it sounds very bitter, but I'm not. It was hard to watch the glory unfold which I should have celebrated in with my fellow friends, but I know that my day will come and I will succeed.

The hot rays of the scorching sun will bathe me as I open my arms wide and face the heavens. I will succeed and I will walk that platform. I will hear my name and the cheers from the crowds. I will be who I want to be.

I need to push on. I need to finish. I need to learn to cope with what happened and move on. The balancing act is hard because right now one arm is heavier with grief while the other is empty with hopelessness. But wait...there is a glimmer, there is some weight to it, and I will get through this, not now, not for a few months, but I will be there soon.

As for the rest of my life, it's kinda boring right now, but I'm sure things will pick up soon enough. I'm blogging at work, I mean, it's pretty chill. I've gotten stuff done, and I'm totally way ahead of schedule, so I keep telling myself these things to justify my creating a new blog.